There It Goes...

What is love when it hurts you deeper day by day. What is love without money. What is love without commitment. What is love without caring... bla bla bla... huhu.. Few weeks back, me and him discussed about our relationship. I'm surprised when he claimed that I am the one who don't want any commitment, he said that I am the one at the first place wants this relationship without string attached. Did I?? If I did, why am I insist to declare our relationship in the facebook....? Weird isn't it? Nevermind...pass is passed. So my concern now is I want a serious relationship. Not for fun, not without string attached and he said he's not ready for that. He prefer to be this way. Not to commit anything as he is really not ready. He feels that he's financial is not stable yet and the other reason is he got kids. His priority are them. So at that point of time, I've told him, if that are the reason it is not a big problem for me. Kids?? I have kids too....and they are my priority too. So of course I do understand that. Stability is subjective. To me he is quite stable. But anyway, if that the reason, I'm willing to wait for him.

Then we talk about other things, he told me he spent more than 2k for his ex-wife and kids. That's a huge amount, which indirectly make me upset. If she, a person who hurts him that much, and no longer with him, he can spend that much... what about me? Minus the money issue, how about his time for me? His effort? So who am I to him right now? That's pissed me off. And bottom of that, what I can see here, 2 possibilities...either she's still her wife according to hukum or so call as digantung OR he's still in love with her. Therefore, I decided to back off slowly. I just kept quite...continue my life as usual, make myself feel like I don't have him anymore. I don't want to think about him anymore.

Last night, he text me...told me that he's not well...and thru few conversation, I know what he wants but I just treat him like other friends. In my text, no more 'dear', no more 'sayang', cause I don't want to have that feeling anymore. I'm pulling myself here right now. Guess he can sense it, but hey...who cares?? He don't even care about me anymore. No longer the right person that I knew before. He is just like other people, other guy...who are taking advantage on me. There are no more boundaries between us when he decide not to commit anything and therefore I don't have to think of his feeling anymore. And honestly, I lost my respect towards him. Cause I don't expect this from him. He's not young... like my other boyfriends. He is 40, a matured guy, I'm expecting more than this... Yes it hurts and I have to stop the bleeding. I guess this is the best thing to do unless he changed his mind. There are no hope on him. This is what he wants...so it's granted.